The difficult work after an affair starts with the revelation. Once both partners know about the infidelity and the choice is made to stay married, then it's time to dive into the recovery process. In my experience helping partners survive an affair, I've been taught there's virtually no boundaries to the desire to work hard on a marriage. My job is to help couples divide the work and work smarter.
The partner who had the affair must work on being humble. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there is never any push back when the deceived partner makes a request, never any editing when responding to a direct inquiry, and never any exhibiting hostility in response to the betrayed partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be extremely difficult for the partner who had the affair for several reasons. First and foremost, she almost certainly has anger she never dealt with that permitted her to minimize or justify her affair. She may feel that she isn't permitted to exhibit her unmet needs during the restoration process and therefore the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to resentment and possibly acting out.
The partner who was betrayed has very well the most difficult task of all in therapy. He must decide to offer forgiveness after infidelity has occurred. If recovering couples decide they don't desire counseling, forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In counseling, the marriage counselor helps the deceived partner release the contempt, which leaves room for forgiving if he chooses. The therapist also helps the deceived spouse understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery is not enough. Both of the partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be contented people and a marriage on its way to recovery.
The partner who had the affair must work on being humble. Sometimes I call this staying "low." Humility means there is never any push back when the deceived partner makes a request, never any editing when responding to a direct inquiry, and never any exhibiting hostility in response to the betrayed partner's hostility.
Humbleness can be extremely difficult for the partner who had the affair for several reasons. First and foremost, she almost certainly has anger she never dealt with that permitted her to minimize or justify her affair. She may feel that she isn't permitted to exhibit her unmet needs during the restoration process and therefore the process of "stuffing" the emotion may begin all over again, leading to resentment and possibly acting out.
The partner who was betrayed has very well the most difficult task of all in therapy. He must decide to offer forgiveness after infidelity has occurred. If recovering couples decide they don't desire counseling, forgiveness may never be addressed or it may be ignored in favor of punishment. In counseling, the marriage counselor helps the deceived partner release the contempt, which leaves room for forgiving if he chooses. The therapist also helps the deceived spouse understand that forgiveness is not for the partner who had the affair; it is for him and his well-being.
Working hard during affair recovery is not enough. Both of the partners must divide the work and focus their energy on working smart. The result will be contented people and a marriage on its way to recovery.
About the Author:
Dr. Kate Walker is a licensed professional counselor in the Woodlands, Texas. Her article outlining the work during affair recovery makes sure that life after infidelity can ensue.
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